Will you blow on my dice?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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