are you still at the devil's house?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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