just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
