Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
