I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
