I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Randomize
