I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
