How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
