A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
