I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
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