sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
