i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
