I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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