He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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