Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
