yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
My cat gives me a boner
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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