my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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