Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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