I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
