Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
