I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
