i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
