I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
