Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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