Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
