just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
