Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
