Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
