I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
