is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
