I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
