i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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