Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
