She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
