My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
