I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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