Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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