May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
