My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
