Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
