If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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