my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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