If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
