the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
