I will die if light touches me.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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