how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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