We tried having a conversation with our noses.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
How does one acquire holy water?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
