New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
