I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
