Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
