dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
